rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
You Might Also Like
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I like long walks away from everyone
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.