Real House Wines.
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Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
I like crazy people until they notice me
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.