My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
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Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Awwwww shit.
Personal question. #JustSaying
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.