My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
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realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Taking phone security to the next level.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.