[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
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hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)