Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
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I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first