I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Dead sexy!!
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.