If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
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Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Terribly Tuesday.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*