They got Raph!
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Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I identify as an antique shop.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely