My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
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Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit