No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
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Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
There are no pants in heaven.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?