I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)