“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.