Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
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saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
How times have changed.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone