Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
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My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
WHO DID THIS?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.