Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
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Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.