Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
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9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.