guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???