I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
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Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.