I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
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[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
My god she’s good.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.