Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.