My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
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Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
That’s incredible! 👌
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup