TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
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ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I gave up going to work for lent.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.