St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
You Might Also Like
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.