Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
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If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Velcrow
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.