*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
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Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness