I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*