Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
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A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Squirrels before girls.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.