Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
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Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
The Sun’s probably Asian.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*