[eats all your cotton candy]
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NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Worlds greatest photobomb
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning