I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
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Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.