I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.