[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.