some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
You Might Also Like
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Best spoiler warning ever
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
real