[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
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[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
#MeanwhileInCanada
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly