I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
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Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”