sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
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Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
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*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.