It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
everyone has that one prude friend
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Things will get butter, keep churning
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.