Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur