As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
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[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.