I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
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When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
True statement👍😏😁
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
📽️movie date🎞️
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.