When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.