Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
thanks auntie mary
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.