Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am