I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
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What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.