I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
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[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.