me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
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I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣