Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
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It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*