GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
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Finally! 😈
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
*gets down on one knee*