If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.